A Love Song, Wouldst Thou Desirest

Listen: there was a goat's head hanging by ropes in a tree.

All night it hung there and sang. And those who heard it

Felt a hurt in their hearts and thought they were hearing

The song of a night bird. They sat up in their beds, and then

They lay back down again. In the night wind, the goat's head

Swayed back and forth, and from far off it shone faintly

The way the moonlight shone on the train track miles away

Beside which the goat's headless body lay. Some boys

Had hacked its head off. It was harder work than they had imagined.

The goat cried like a man and struggled hard. But they

Finished the job. They hung the bleeding head by the school

And then ran off into the darkness that seems to hide everything.

The head hung in the tree. The body lay by the tracks.

The head called to the body. The body to the head.

They missed each other. The missing grew large between them,

Until it pulled the heart right out of the body, until

The drawn heart flew toward the head, flew as a bird flies

Back to its cage and the familiar perch from which it trills.

Then the heart sang in the head, softly at first and then louder,

Sang long and low until the morning light came up over

The school and over the tree, and then the singing stopped....

The goat had belonged to a small girl. She named

The goat Broken Thorn Sweet Blackberry, named it after

The night's bush of stars, because the goat's silky hair

Was dark as well water, because it had eyes like wild fruit.

The girl lived near a high railroad track. At night

She heard the trains passing, the sweet sound of the train's horn

Pouring softly over her bed, and each morning she woke

To give the bleating goat his pail of warm milk. She sang

Him songs about girls with ropes and cooks in boats.

She brushed him with a stiff brush. She dreamed daily

That he grew bigger, and he did. She thought her dreaming

Made it so. But one night the girl didn't hear the train's horn,

And the next morning she woke to an empty yard. The goat

Was gone. Everything looked strange. It was as if a storm

Had passed through while she slept, wind and stones, rain

Stripping the branches of fruit. She knew that someone

Had stolen the goat and that he had come to harm. She called

To him. All morning and into the afternoon, she called

And called. She walked and walked. In her chest a bad feeling

Like the feeling of the stones gouging the soft undersides

Of her bare feet. Then somebody found the goat's body

By the high tracks, the flies already filling their soft bottles

At the goat's torn neck. Then somebody found the head

Hanging in a tree by the school. They hurried to take

These things away so that the girl would not see them.

They hurried to raise money to buy the girl another goat.

They hurried to find the boys who had done this, to hear

Them say it was a joke, a joke, it was nothing but a joke....

But listen: here is the point. The boys thought to have

Their fun and be done with it. It was harder work than they

Had imagined, this silly sacrifice, but they finished the job,

Whistling as they washed their large hands in the dark.

What they didn't know was that the goat's head was already

Singing behind them in the tree. What they didn't know

Was that the goat's head would go on singing, just for them,

Long after the ropes were down, and that they would learn to listen,

Pail after pail, stroke after patient stroke. They would

Wake in the night thinking they heard the wind in the trees

Or a night bird, but their hearts beating harder. There

Would be a whistle, a hum, a high murmur, and, at last, a song,

The low song a lost boy sings remembering his mother's call.

Not a cruel song, no, no, not cruel at all. This song

Is sweet. It is sweet. The heart dies of this sweetness.

My mind has not expanded, but been released.

ps - If Batman died, would the Joker be happy?

i've come to a rather peculiar realisation.
either i stay awake inhuman hours and am extremely productive
or i sleep more hours than i should and fail to achieve anything.

ew.

I love mutuality, though. It fills a void within me. I carry it around like a locket.

Or a polaroid. *grin*

oh i didn't think i could feel this way
for anything or anyone again
but it's the times like these
improbabilities
are nothing.

you raised my chin
and locked my eyes
unlocked my heart
and downed my guise.

It's easy to feel alone when you are literally alone. I'm holding tightly to the feeling, though. The thought that fifty miles away, there's a heart that aches back. It's interesting to me because this entire feeling appeared like black ice on the asphalt outside my window, and like always my heart has been cast adrift by the hopes of its own interests.
She presented a very interesting idea to me. I don't know what to think of it. Everything within my desires its fruition, but we know that we need to take it slow. How can two people fall for each other so quickly? It's frightening...
The part of all this that's so peculiar is that there isn't a question in my mind about how she feels about me. I hope she feels the same. I'm ready to let my heart explore and live freely.

One can only hope that my life is prepared.

Windswept and cartwheeled. That's how I feel. My heart's dancing within my chest and my lungs are sweeping the hallways for clues of you. I smell your hair atop my pillow, and your sweater sets on my dresser like something you shed while blooming.
A friend of mine told me that I should ignore any inhibitions. I should hurl myself headlong into the dark doorway of relationships and move as quickly or slowly as I want. "You're happy, don't stop." It's so easy for her to say, having felt the heat rise through her cheeks and out her mouth in such a bright fashion.
Another told me that Caution was the wisest course.
What then is the most basic truth? Fulfillment or withholding? I could easily end up in DuPage, attending the community college and renting out an apartment with a beautiful girl. The question isn't whether I want to or not, but whether it would be wise?

What is wisdom, anymore?

A. Freedom
B. Caging desires
C. All of the above

To think that it's mutual...
As soon as all this has calmed down, we should really do something serious about it.

my blankets are rumpled,
like my hair after two hours
of my legs being hotter than anything.
i'm sitting here in my chair,
still tasting you and already

i miss your shape.

I miss you.
not in a slight way,
but i miss you.

Motion City Soundtrack - Hold Me Down

These past days have been traumatic, and eventful. I haven't spoken to my therapist about it because of how she'd react. She wouldn't like the idea of Cassie and I getting closer, and even enjoying each others' company so much. What, a pretty girl like her and a charming chap like me out for an evening on the town, anything could happen. Man, fuck them. My last day of therapy is the 11th, and I'm not looking forward to the repercussions. I want to still be near Cassie, and I'm ashamed to say that that's driving my recent decisions. An impetus (however exciting) should always be at least twice-considered.
*shrug*
She makes me happy, and that's the point. She frees my soul, and that's what matters. She is so... hm. She is my blues. She wraps 'bout my finger while I caress the strings on another lonely night. She's the time between my heartbeats and the danger when it races. And she's too beautiful. It drives me mad. Her grace and intelligence astound me, and I don't understand her. She's so... put together, for being a mess. It's exciting.
Forty miles a day isn't much of a price for happiness.
It's rather refreshing, actually.

The thing is -- I yearn for you. I hunger for your voice, your fingers, your sound. Your smile. Your eyes, oh god. How is it that I ache for all of you so heavily? It's as though the sky erupted in light as my eyes were still adjusting to the darkness, and now all I can do is fear that I'll never see the sun again from beneath this dreary winter sky.

Oh, please break my day again. Please...

I decided tonight that I really do want to pursue guitar as a lifestyle.
It sounds like an inane decision, but I've been flying blind for quite a while, now.

This is... Life-changing.

ps - i've noticed that I grind my teeth a lot... ever since i began taking this medication.

Tonight I'm writing to you for the sake of writing, Blogger. A lot's been going on, and a lot of people are wanting to be social with me. It's strange. I finally organized the digital realm of my life, and that's pretty satisfying. A few bugs, but it's down to the point where I can finally relax with my laptop. Good, you know?
Otherwise, things with friends alright. Plenty of activity to keep me satisfied and plenty of downtime to keep me holding. Situations with the female populace are strained, of course. Things with her are testing, and I never know exactly how to react. Everything within me is aching to reach out to her and sweep her up... be romantic and such, and promise her that it will all be different when I'm better. I can't, though... as much as I want to be with her and make her happy. I don't even know what it is, though. Completely ignoring the fact that she's dating some guy, now, I just can't seem to keep a level head when I'm dating her. Me, the master of control, can't even avoid envy with the one girl I've ever loved.
*shrug* I hope that someday I can be the kind of man that some girl would need.

It's alright, though. I suppose. Better to have loved and lost? I'm just doing my best to take it with a grain of salt, these days. Really, I'm just glad she's happy with someone.

all has changed
and i'm the only thing the same
am i lying to myself
this dark windowed house is all i have to blame
for the degree from which i fell